Why We're Not Coming To Your Party
My husband and I met many years ago...years before we became parents. Once we got together, his friends became my friends and my friends became his. We had a ton of fun and there wasn't ever a party we didn't want to attend.
That's not our life anymore; we got older and decided we wanted to settle down and be parents. We are now parents to an amazing, challenging, autistic daughter and we don't want to go to your party. If we had a NT child, we'd come. It would probably even be fun. But for the parents of a child that is fundamentally different, your party will surely be a terrible time for all of us. Why, you ask? Read on...
Your House May Be Child-Proof, But It's Not MY-Child-Proof
We have spent hours and countless dollars absolutely FORTIFYING our house against our tiny force of destruction. And we've gotten pretty good at it. We've locked up all sharp objects like Fort Knox, we've hidden the television remotes, we've even put her clothes in our bedroom (because otherwise there would be approximately 18 wardrobe changes per day.) When our daughter gets bored, she absolutely LOOKS for any weakness in the armor...and she almost always finds one. We are constantly vigilant sentries and we see what her desire for chaos creates. We are there to stop her. At your house, it is impossible. Even once you have "child-proofed" your home, you have not guarded your home against MY child. She actively looks for things she can't access at our fortified home. If there is something you haven't physically nailed down, she will find it and she will cause chaos. I spend the entire party making sure shes's not absolutely destroying your home or harming herself.
It's Too Hard To Explain To Your Child Why Mine Won't Engage
When my daughter was a baby, we left her with some friends, so we could clean out my MIL's flooded house after Hurricane Harvey. Their daughter absolutely LOVED hanging out with my daughter and immediately afterwards wanted a little sister. The next time that little girl met my daughter, she was older and had demonstrated that she had no interest in other kids. I could see the hurt in that little girl's eyes when my daughter didn't want to play with her. That little girl came up to me, heartbroken and asked, "Why doesn't she want to play with me?" I had neither the strength, nor the words to explain to this little girl why my daughter wanted nothing to do with her. Her face still breaks my heart when I think about it.
It's Definitely Not Fun For Me
If I'm going to go out and I have my daughter with me, I have to keep an eye on her 24/7. I have to anticipate what might happen, what is happening, what will happen. She will find something to destroy or hurt herself with. I know that this is true because I live it every day in our already child-proofed home. I'd love to hang out and talk to my friends at a party, but I can't. I have to watch her LIKE A HAWK every second. So while my friends are attempting to talk to me....I'm not really listening, I'm watching my kid. I'm making sure she doesn't destroy anything, hurt another child or escape to her certain death.
Being a parent of a special needs kid is so much more isolating that most of us will ever let on. I don't have the energy to tell you why I'm not coming to your party. I just say, "Oh, darn. We're busy that weekend." But the truth is, I'm just busy trying to hold on.
