All The Times I Have Been A Shameless Garbage Goblin

It’s no secret that I love a good bargain-I live for that shit.  And the best bargain of all? Free. 

I am not rich, but I have the privilege of being “grandfathered in” to a rich neighborhood.  When my family moved here many moons ago (I’m not going to tell you how many, because I want to seem younger than I am), we lived in the country. We couldn’t even get pizza delivered to our house we were that far out. We had to drive to the gas station a few miles away to meet the pizza guy if we didn’t want to drive the extra 10 or so miles to go pick it up ourselves. But, as it goes, the country has given way to suburbia and now we are two of the last “poor” holdovers in our very wealthy area. And I don’t hate it. Because I am a garbage goblin and rich people throw away cool stuff.  

A few years back, I was driving home on garbage day and I saw a fantastic metal deer sculpture at the street on garbage day. I slammed on the brakes immediately and threw that guy in the back of my truck. It wasn’t in the greatest shape, but it was cool and I love me some good yard art. 

Another time, I drove by my fancy neighbor’s house and they had a giant pile of interesting looking stuff at the street. So I stopped. There was a big oriental rug, so I stopped and threw the giant rug into the bed of my truck. Before you say, “that’s gross, it’s a rug! Don’t take that home,” know this. My washer and dryer are in my garage, so I always have a “garage rug” that I put in front of them so I can walk outside and not touch dirty concrete with my bare feet. Yes, I get the irony here, but I digress. I got the rug. It was at the street and yes, it did have some ants on it, but it was in incredible condition save for a coffee stain. If I was going to put it in my house, the ants and coffee would have been a dealbreaker.  But it was going in my garage.  So I threw it in the truck and didn’t look back. And it was a great garage rug for a few years until I needed to find a new one. (Rugs that one keeps in a garage don’t last forever.)

A few years ago, there was a downed street sign on my road. And yes, I know it’s a “crime” to take a street sign. But the county did not seem at all interested in picking it up off the road. I passed by it a few times and thought, “Oh my goodness. I could make something so cool out of that sign. I should pick it up.” But the law deterred me. Even if the sign is in the ditch, you’re really not supposed to just take it. 

So I waited. I thought, “If it’s there next week, I’m going to take it.” And it wasn’t. It was gone.  I was a little disappointed, but I figured it was for the best. 

Then the following week, I met my dad in his woodshop and imagine my surprise when I saw the object of my affection sitting there, leaned against the wall. 

“Dad! You took the sign!” 

Dad, “I waited, because you’re not supposed to do that, but no one came. And it was so cool. So I took it.”

Me, “I wanted it. I thought about taking it but didn’t.” 

Dad, “Well, it’s ours now so if you want it, you can have it.”

That was about six years ago and it’s still in his shop because I’ve not thought of a genius idea of what to do with it. But I tell you this story for this reason: 

I am an absolute garbage goblin. If I think there’s even A CHANCE I can make something cool out of something left on the street at trash day, I’m going to take it. 

The other day, I saw an old metal and wood school desk at the street. I nearly drove by it, but I doubled back, picked it up and threw it in the back of my truck.  

I showed my dad. He was all, “Well, that’s not that great; it doesn’t have the good cubby underneath the seat and the top is made of particle-board.”

I said, “Yeah, I know. But I’ve never regretted picking something up from the trash. I’ve only ever regretted leaving something behind.” 

And he said, “I feel ya. If you decide you don’t want it, you can leave it at your trash.”

And I might. And I might not. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with that adorable little old school desk, which by the way still has the original graffiti on it. GOLDEN. I might figure out something cool. I might put it in my trash pile six months from now. But at the moment, I have no regrets.